Build a life for a woman to follow you, not the other way around. At least if in the end you cannot get a woman, at least you achieved something.

The point is to have that character, not what you hope to achieve by it. Sometimes you think too much about the results you spoil the performance, and when you just focus on the process you get very favourable outcomes.

Rose Rose Rose, I love you, be well.

Old school is good school

http://www.wikihow.com/Get-a-Girlfriend

First night I am able to sleep without thinking of her in six years after writing the letter. I guess when I mail it it would feel much better.

I just have to say it, I am terribly sorry, Rose.

Yes, I think I should write a letter to her, have been thinking about it. Maybe it's time to draft it here. I want to write something

Rose, 

By the time you are seeing this letter, I am already gone overseas for my Masters degree. It has been six years since our break up, and yet with all these years passing by my sentiments towards you seem no lessen by time but merely make my heart grow fonder. 

For six years I have been trying my best to conceal my feelings for you, for I know you would prefer it that way, but lately I have no longer been able to cage up my thoughts. The confession is literally forced out of me, and I would like to ask for your forgiveness over any inconvenience caused by this letter.

It is clear to me now, finally after all these times for myself to ponder over the matter, and more important, my self. It was my lack of self appreciation, due to perhaps not very merry a childhood and competitive schooling I received as a boy, that gave me fear and loneliness all the years before I have met you. 

In order to make up for the lack of courage, I tried to play the charming, confident, self which deep down just making matters worse with the people in my life. Thus the bipolar of loathe and lust. You would never be able to imagine how difficult it is for me to go through all the self-doubts, mirages of hope and disappointment before coming to peace with my self and my past.

Whenever I am in deep self-doubt, I think of you, and you are the pillar of my endure of such odyssey. There is no nights when I wouldn't be thinking of you when I sleep, because dream is the only place where I can see you again and confess myself. 

There is no point dwell on the past though, and I ask myself do I still have feelings for you? The truth is I loved you, and I still do, but nothing stands comparison with you really being happy with someone you meet later in your journey, which is more important than me being able to see you again, if we are to be. For I love you, I have always wished that you may be happy with someone else for the rest of your life, and to your your family, and yet because I love you, I will not bear seeing you being together with someone else, I will not survive.  though I do not bear to be the witness of.

If it is meant to be, we will not see each other for the rest of our lives, and for the above reasons it is perhaps the best possible outcome, but my heart will forever be fond of you as all female literature students are to Rupert Brooke, until I am become dust.

I just want to thank you for having loved me as you did. I just have to tell you how I still feel towards you, and you deserve to read about it. It makes be happy to be able to just say that to you.

Please send my regards to your family and to your sister, she has shown me great compassion at that time and her words are still educational up till this very moment.

Pray excuse this letter, effort was put to make this letter most agreeable.

Merry Christmas, Happy Birthday, A Jubilee New year, and Forever am I affectionately

Yours,

Andrew

( When I was writing this, I caught up on a few of my old essays. They were actually copied and stored by others at their own website, something really embarrassing.)

Whenever I think of buying something new, recently an iPad or an iPhone, I was asking myself what would I do if I bought it anyway.

I have no great rush in doing things so I need no quick gadgets, I can get home and work.

I have not much friends, I don't need to keep connected. It makes me nervous.

They are expensive and I always have to be on guard lest I lose them.

So, well, I guess I just don't deserve them.

My inner self is very conflicted about my own relationship to Rose:

I loved her, and then she broke up with me.

I hated her, but then I am starting to aware of my own problems.

I love her again, but I know she never wanted to see me again.




It used to be complicated, as it appears to me in how to make her happy, and it was still wanted.

Now things are simple enough : Just stay up of her sight. Not very wanted.



Believe me, my dearest, I still love you, and for that I try my best to conceal my emotions for you. I love you, Rose, I love you very much and therefore I can give up upon you, so that I may forgive you, and I may forgive myself.

I am not sure, but I am still trying, god helps me.

Get more sleep, and maybe then your mind is right.

The frustration comes with frustration itself.

External Factors:

Childhood experience (Being Bullied, Having Brothers) + Environment (Branded School) = Inferiority Complex

Internal factors:

Inferiority Complex -> Aggressiveness and Arrogance (Compensation for Inferiority Complex)

Symptoms:

Ego-centrism, Drama King, Smart Quirk at expense of others, Rushness (Aggravated by Eczema), Inability to listen and response, Erratic Behaviour, Inflexibility (Being insecure) 

Cure:

At peace with self and surroundings, acknowledge circle of influence, converse energy (Cut masturbation, distractions, there is no hiding by distracting yourself from real problem), planning rationally and reasonably your time, channel energy onto achievement

Romanticism (Alleviate materialism), Rationalism (enlightenment and fool-proof), Sunlight test (Jury and Conscious consult)

Side substantiation:

You will need a tune or a song to kick in the mood as a habit of yours.

Side Note:
Feeling like, well, all these years I have been struggling with the problem, and now it appears that I am closer to what the zodiac is describing me. I guess that mental illness I suffer from under very extreme coincidence can actually be character-changing.

Full Metal Jacket

Minority Attack:

1.       Deindividualisation

Let loose of personal identity, create collective identity, losing a choice and follow the pack as self is destructed, incapable of individual thought and image, therefore having nothing to defend/resist

2.       Collective Responsibility –Lowest Cut

Price Signal cuts losers out in market, the same works conversely by laying punishment with extremely prejudice, and converse pressure is created, omnipresent and immense.

Majority Attack:

3.       Association with Sex

Pleasure killing, the association utilize the pleasure of sex to pleasure of killing, thereby releasing the male hormone and transform the energy inside the mind. The failure of it if uncontrolled often results in a mass killing, as in my opinion the usual mass murderer are failed maters.

The energy can aspire great things as should be properly motivated not wasted.

4.       Association with God
The intent is not used as if an intended mockery, contrary to belief they would have to stand on the moral high ground in the process of killing. The killing is righteous and merciful that the armies are saving the others from suffering. God’s use is both on psychological support and realistic grounds on rights to kill and justice.

5.       Association with Group – Counter

The gang prostitution is something that Joker has difficulty in identifying with, most of him is unattached at the moment, even when at killing (Unclear, dirty killer instinct that is made without conviction) The only joyful moment was after all the beatings and killings were done that he was seen singing along the crowd.

6.       Association with Innocence

The use of the song Mickey Mouse was a jabful fun song that coincides perfectly with environment, just that it was expected in a very different context. The polarity of different expectations is necessarily the confrontation and the paradox of the army, sustaining them in spirit with a well children sung song, pleasure triggering and also unifying.

Okay, hangover is going again. Well I mean sometimes you think of your shitty past, can't avoid it.

Get your head straight, gear up.

Learn to deal with what you can't change, be in calamity, face failure, accept defeat, take them as nothing, get refused. You grow strong and stand up faster next time without thought.

Increasingly we find ourselves in forced variations, there is no choice and no going back. You have to try or die, no third way.

Well, for me, I am not sure.

I think, honestly, mine was aggressive stupidity in the past due to fear and belittling myself. (Not being modest, but either being just hypocritical or truly diminishing self, a very volatile state.)

So now I learn to at least shut up quite a lot, so at least I am not talking too much as to expose myself.

Sometimes though, I still talk about what I think and not what is in context of the conversation, something simpler and what the others want me to answer.

Well, for that nurse, I read up, I had my preoccupation of what should I do, challenging them a bit.

I know she says that for my good, that I have to come out and work, so I have to be smooth. I am not smooth, hardworking, but raw and rough like a dork. I have two faces.

Yes, but then it is about being agreeable, I am trying.

I am learning, just well, having too much in my mind and, well, perhaps I have to lighten up and just enjoy the show.

She doesn't find me because she doesn't want to see me, I don't find her because I know she doesn't want to see me, and more than that, perhaps, no, after all these years of thoughts, I am still having feelings for her, and I will not be able to suffer the knowing of her with others.

Well, it's not like that, I know I have been saying this. It's fine, be happy, but I love you, therefore it's good just knowing.

The wound clinic nurse told me that I am quite a person not good with communication.

I agree, and perhaps from the following points may illustrate

1) Authority style - Posting questions intending to show knowledge on the matter

2) Passive Response - Does not actively affirm that the message is received

3) Withdrawal - I was on meds and drowsy last time, really didn't know what they were talking about.

Well, it is kinda bad but I guess that also leaves a lot to be desired. Keep on the effort.

1.六年過去，有時事情總是要站得遠一點才能看清楚。

其實當時不應該自卑。自卑是看見自己現狀，覺得就是這樣，永遠都不會改變，於是就覺得很多事都是天注定，沒有辦法改變，這輩子都比不上別人。

卻說例如別人成績好，不一定都沒有溫習，或者他們有意裝沒溫習沾天才的光，或者他們真有學問所以謙虛。

會自卑因為懶惰，惟對於自己生命負責，努力改變現狀，充實自己，那才能讓自己變得更有能力。如果不願意付出，不願意嘗試改變，既對於現狀抱怨卻又迫於因為自己的懶惰和現狀妥協，一無是處。

或者努力了可能真的於事無補，但生命中大部份時間，往往只有試了後悔和不試後悔兩項選擇。盡當時的狀況，你已經盡了力，無謂用現在的道德高地批判當時的自己。

2.讀 Nate Silver，重拾很多年前老掉牙的說法。

以前資訊不足，現在資訊太多。Signal and the Noise，要專心就要減少消耗你時間精神的一切非必要資訊，集中精神處理好重要事。

要改變其實不難，難的不是製造自己，是排除自己。

3.說到底，和別人關係惡劣，甚至六年前分手，與人無尤，都是自己自卑的心魔。

悟已往之不諫，知來者之可追。

The day the child realizes that all adults are imperfect, he becomes an adolescent; the day he forgives them, he becomes an adult; the day he forgives himself, he becomes wise. -Alden Nowlan

I really love you Rose, and I am still missing you. For that, I will endure all the torments and suffering by believing that you are far happier now than before, and hence if I see your happiness and well-being as my own, I shall no longer trouble you.

You will never know, perhaps, but it doesn't matter, because I remember you and I still have you in mind with me, for all these days and years.

You will have to learn to be happy for the others' happiness, and only by then you can lessen your pain, and be happy yourself too.

Back from Hospital, MRSA is tough but I will manage. I used to think that things like this, well, it is good to have a girlfriend/wife because she gets worried about you and you feel loved.

Now I think different. I would rather say it's just something minor and prevent her from visiting me, I will keep myself healthy so she doesn't worry about me.

I get it, I really can understand why she hates me so much nowadays, she has given me everything of hers back then. I was greedy, childish, naive and stupid.

Now if you can take the others' happiness as your own, you will feel less pain and more cheerfulness in yourself.

That's how I am dealing with the missing of her, my love, Rose. Her well being is my well being. If you think like that, you will be happier and more optimistic.

Think not with your emotions, think rationally.

The person that you love is considerably more important that yourself. If you take her happiness as your own, you won't feel a thing.

Rose, it is not because I no longer love you, but I want you to be happy. I am willing to let go everything, including my love for you, not finding you anymore, not speaking to you, because this is what you would have wanted.

And I do.

昨日認識了一位我懷疑係單身既男士Wilson，27歲，有正職又有自己搞啲小生意咁，佢言行正常，但係單身當然係有其原因。

要吸引異性，就要有其吸引之處。

風趣幽默──女生都係人，都係會對啲搞笑既人加分，鐘意同佢地玩，因為開心呀嘛。我少有見搞笑但係識唔到女朋友既(不過都有見過，容後再談)。可惜，幽默感大多數係天生，又同個人轉數有關。咁點算呢？其實係一個圈子裏面正常都會有啲搞笑既人，如果你自問有搞笑細胞，可以在大家講緊野既其間，開一兩個小玩笑，增加氣氛。咁樣你都會比人一個女印象，而女生也會樂於和你傾談。

要有自信──至少在表現的的專業的時候。表現平平往往只能有普通的吸引力，而男人如何增加吸引力呢？說來簡單，就是表現自己工作上既專業。女人多數都會欣賞做野叻既男人，但係如何喺casual既環境例如一齊食飯中去表現呢一點呢？其實都好易，你首先大可分享一吓你公司既趣事，你又可以講吓你嗰行啲update既行情，或者有啲咩新聞係關於你嗰行既，你又可以share你既睇法。最後，你可以張你既專業知識，化做故事，講比每一個你新識既朋友知，咁你會變得好有趣和受歡迎。

對金錢不要太小器，要有洗錢的心理準備──以我的觀察，有不少男生怕港女，就係好怕佢地會叫佢買乜買物，洗自己好多錢，於是成副戒備狀態，表現得好小器。老實講，呢個都係死穴之一。出得來同女仔玩，行街睇戲食飯冇一樣係唔洗用錢架喎，再者，你要建立一個家庭其實都係要付出經營，所以，你必先要有一個洗錢既心理準備，而呢個point反而係女仔要考驗各男士既重要一環。銀包唔好到冇錢先去ATM，唔好等人比。咁有男仔話如果遇到啲好老憑既咁點，好簡單，咪冇下次囉，而且咁都證明佢唔啱你啦。男仔唔好成日怕比人騙。

You lift it, it lifts. You put it down,

it is down.

理智與感情（第二版，我記得有寫過第一）

讀的中學算名校，學生多從地區小學直升，都很出類華仁，而我是從別區跨來的世襲生，初時很不習慣：成績沒別人好，朋友又不算多，加上小學時的經歷，所以覺得困難。

中學和大學時欺負你，或多或少總有點點原因，但是小學，真的沒有特別原因。有些人很容易就走過去，但是有時候也不那麼容易。尤其有了小學的經歷之後你直接就進了競爭頗大的學校，別人或多或少會給你點壓力，但還遠遠不如你給自己的。

一切自大囂張做作目中無人問題其實都是自卑，而十八歲前一切性格的養成都是先天，十八歲以後都是你自己。

自小就對於身邊所謂資優生很妒忌，因為老師特別疼又可以上很多不同其他資優班，感覺很厲害，尤其通常能上資優班的女生不知為什麼都特別漂亮。所以在妒忌心影響下我常喜歡取笑他們，當中尤其陳同學特別認真，他有一本死亡筆記，把和他開玩笑的同學名字都寫下來。我常想翻他本子看看上面都誰，卻往往不得要領。

直到中三時，開始參加了辯論，頭腦好像有變好，但是性格好像變得更好辯，由自卑變得自大，更加變得不懂得和人相處，還不說頭腦好像只有變得更蠢。

這樣說來不免矛盾，但是如果人聰明，不過性格差，那麼他那好頭腦其實並未無他帶來好處，而只徒添了他和人相處的困難，增加了自己的麻煩。

最記得中五初，辯論隊的事還沒有脫手，當時只想著，看了友校女生說自己月經來了不舒服，於是就在公文袋裡放了一盒月經用的止痛藥，然後在她離開之前送給她。其實完全沒有取笑的意思，一半是關心一半是想引她注意，自作聰明。

後來事情鬧大了，黃正和Jeffrey有天小息過來5K問我做了什麼，對面女校隊長說要向校長投訴。小息後梁老師的課我哭得眼淚鼻水都流下來，黏了一桌，只有Raymond明白什麼事。雖然我們中五以後說話都不多，臉書上有一兩次想和他談話，他沒回覆，但是我和他共事玩耍，回憶未有忘記。

就像有年生日，我沒朋友，Stephen和Ivan好心和我到APM慶祝，到現在我也記得。

中五暑假，和某女校同學拍拖又分了手。其實我們都好想可以頭一次就成功一直愛下去，不過都不成功。

死因是我們倆都對於什麼是愛情不清楚：我自己就是無非是要靠著自己有伴侶去說服自己有價值有能力，而其實自己一點自信都沒有，所以常常想表現自己，很依賴對方給自己自重感和滿足感，對於對方控制欲強又依賴，常覺得自己不值得有這麼好的另一半，很害怕她離去，於是想對方和自己一天二十四小時都見面，又對於她和什麼人見面做什麼事控制和抱怨。至於她，她只聽我英文說得比較好，代表學校參加聯校組織，就把我想成又成熟又自信的王子，可以一路照顧她保護她和她結婚。

現在我們都知道其實愛情應該是互相尊重，支持和幫助，不相等的關係不可能長久，但是當時懵懂，很多都沒有經歷過。用比較失實的比喻，一個因為只因自卑而奉獻，而另一方把奉獻錯看成愛情。

之後一直都沒有再拍拖，猜其實是一半自己本身的性格有問題，另外一半就是還是無法忘記前度女友。

她就在大概三個月後找到男友。我不會不想別人幸福，只是沒有辦法接受或者看著，如果她幸福就好，不必告訴我，我對她還有感覺，這樣會很痛苦。其實一切安好就好。

中六七這段日子過得挺辛苦。會考是勉強過了，然而每天在自我懷疑中渡過，沒有朋友，家人也幫不了忙（他們都這麼多年，能開口的早就開了，也不好意思畢竟有血緣關係）中七也是自暴自棄，只能上到浸會大學。

當年別人說如果我把中大把第一志願，說不定就進了，只是世事沒有如果。

而我覺得如果不是進了浸會，沒有在龍蛇混雜的地方待過，不可能開眼界。浸大比中大港大更大不同學校的人和事，尤其在外面混過幾年同學特別多。

同系的同學關系特別差，因為相處得太多太懂我性格的臭，就算Year2下學期開始開竅一切都追不回來。惟有不常相處的，他們既可以幫助我，也因為不用每天和我相處所以可以忍受我。我最好的朋友都是其他地方認識的。

從前就聽說過Mensa，本來有點看不起，加入了那刻還真的有點興奮，可是如今看來其實還不是一些普通人。上星期開會還是像其他人一樣吵吵鬧鬧，沒有說特別可以平心靜氣解決問題。其實聰不聰明很其次，最重要是你善良，勇敢，還有智慧，這三個順著次序。

只有性格好，智慧才能得以運用，勇敢排第二，基於捍烈原則。

寫夠了，是時候好好活。又偶而回來寫兩筆，為什麼不，如果能提醒自己的過錯，在將來做得更好，不妨多點抽空回來。

One cannot refrain from crying when watching Pixar Movies.

這晚見識了不少，故作文以記之，同時練習寫中文，當中問題跟自己所學有關，也向各位請教。平常討論時會慣性把Facebook上有關朋友都給刪，但是這次不管了。如果你真的很非常敏感，告訴我，我給你藥膏。

最近加入了Mensa，而Mensa是一所註冊有限公司，所以也需要有Board of Directors，以維持日常運作。 雖然Mensa並非牟利組織，但也需每兩年舉行選舉，選新的一屆Board，類似上莊。大選和AGM一同舉行。

大概選舉之前一個星期，Chairman利用會員資料庫發了一封電郵，提醒會員出席週年大會和晚飯聚會。電郵雖然沒有直接提及Chairman有份參與競選的選舉名單，但是在這敏感時刻於敏感的地方利用敏感的資料做敏感的事，不免讓人暇想。

Ombudsman和Election Supervisor在接到投訴後，認為要在選舉前就完成調查，所以於調查過程中只有很短的時間去完成報告。

Chairman一方指基於時間不足，Ombudsman的報告上搜證咄咄逼人，要人在很短的時間之內答辯，否則則視為默認，這一方法存在不公平的地方。而Ombudsman則反駁必需要在選舉前完成，不然選舉早已完成，報告就失去意義，而基於此理由，除搜證時間較短以外報告並無缺失。

於是現Board of Directors花了很長時間爭論應不應該把報告公開，一方認為應該，一方應為不該。最後投票，決定把Ombudsman報告公開。

而後來Election Supervisor亦在Ombudsman之後完成報告，於一天前交到Board of Directors 要求公開，但是據說得不到Board of Directors的回應，於是又利用會員資料庫，向所有會員宣告選舉將暫停。

第二日，AGM上第一項就是要通過會議議程，而在議程上選舉一項未有刪去。所以如果同意議程，即當天必要舉行選舉。Chairman未有按Election Supervisor意思，刪去議程上的選舉一項。

Election Supervision根據Constitution確有此權叫停選舉，但這做法引起不少人質疑，而更大問題在於Chairman未有主動解釋通過議程的後果，而只於會員質詢後才解釋。還有，Chairman本身就是受質疑者，但是會議又由他來主持，不算理想。後來，大家一人一句，要把發言限於兩分鐘，但是大家又沒意思減短發言而只加快說話速度嘴炮，我其實都聽不清楚。

雙方論點大概如下:

選：1)有位置確是只有一位候選人，如舉行選舉該候選人將自動當選，然而亦有需競爭的位置，叫停對於需要競爭的位置不公平

2)我買了機票回來選，又誰能賠？

3)就算根據區議會選舉，若有投訴，選舉不會被叫停而應該繼續，報告之後才定奪指控是否屬實

不選：1)Election Supervisor 已將電郵發出說今天沒有選舉，對沒來的會員不公平

2)主席一職未有人和現主席競爭，舉行選舉將令主席連任

3)雖然可以用AOB將主席再拉下台，但是這做法明顯不如不選乾脆。

後來有外國會員說，選出來結果必然受人挑戰，做要重做的東西沒意思，不如投票把選舉一項從議程刪去。

問題來了，那之前有人授權的Proxy票怎辦？有人提出要數，有人提出不數，後來發現原來必需有二位以上會員或Chairman建議Polling，不然Proxy不用計算。Chairman說不用，也沒有兩位會員建議（這很奇怪，應該有人有很多Proxy，不提可能是看見Chairman不提所以作罷，又或者是不想別人知道他有很多票）

結果，動議「將選舉剔出會議議程」，出席者約120+，和議者70+，而簡單多數決通過。寫到這裡，已經八時半，我餓了，就走了。

感想如下：

1)本來想說本港大學多女生，Mensa也該不會少，不料原來男生女生比例據會上觀察，約20:1，我很失望

2)約從名單上看，我一月考進，自一到四月間（會議於是五月尾舉行，按理五月不會參加吧），已有約四十人考進，按這比例，其實考生考進Mensa的比例約三份之一。這不是說，人水平就不到，不過考進Mensa的比例這樣高，不知怎的覺得很沒意思。

3)智商（好像）比較高不一定就比較會解決問題，結果還是大家吵吵鬧鬧，個人意見節目，城市論壇一樣。不會說跟其他團體不一樣，比較能平心靜氣解決問題。智商高不代表EQ高，其實比起來EQ高比IQ高更好

4)這晚認識到Harry，人很好，他跟我說其實Mensa也沒有多少人認識，不會放進CV，頂多是用來做Email。是的，天才組織也許沒有多少特別，但是以一個普通組織來看，其實還有很多可以看。

問題如下：

1)Chairman 發電郵做法是否恰當？

2)Ombudsman和Election Supervisor其實應否延遲出報告，以確保報告的質素？畢竟報告的准確性相對於時間上的局限，應該更為重要，如果報告屬實由會員召開EGM即可。

3)Board of Directors 有沒有權力阻止報告刊出？

4)Chairman應否繼續負責主持會議？

5)Election Supervisor有權延後選舉，但是反正於AGM之上將舉行選舉，為什麼不等AGM先開了才放於Agenda讓大家討論應不應該繼續選舉？

6)選舉到底應否繼續？

7)Proxy應不應該計算在內？其實有否必要搞清楚Proxy是Partial Proxy或Full Proxy？